


antiseptic

by Anonymous



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, or is it...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:15:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27261847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: jisoo wishes to stop hurting. nine years is already too long isn't it?
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Kim Jisoo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 77
Collections: Anonymous





	1. first

**Author's Note:**

> an introspection into how jisoo tries not to love any longer

Jisoo supposes there is a certain natural order to things in this world.

She’s not exactly a by the book type of person – she understands that life, her life in particular, isn’t exactly linear. Still, she likes having an imprecise gauge for things. She’s understood the ephemeral nature of life at such a young age that it’s just ingrained in her – make the most of your time in this world.

She resolves for herself: spending eighteen years of life to legally consume alcohol is reasonable, five years of incessant training to debut into a girl group under YG is too, but nine years of unrequited pining and being an absolute fool is enough.

So she moves on. Tries to, anyway.

She initially opposes to using some random person as a rebound, knows how terrible it’d be for the other unknowing party thinking they’ve got an actual chance. She’s got more empathy than that, with what, almost a decade long one-sided experience. But when some guy from some boy group she’s never heard of named Jaehyun asks for her number in a secluded corridor of SBS’ building as she heads to the set of the show she’s filming, she gives in. It’s probably her easiest option for a distraction anyway – he’s willing and he’s already texted her not even five minutes after she’s written her number down on his palm.

He asks her if she’s free on Tuesday night and she acquiesces his invitation.

They go to an upscale Italian restaurant in Gangnam where he’s booked a secluded table for the both of them. He brings her flowers and laughs at her jokes as they’re eating and Jisoo decides he’s nice enough. She just hopes her face doesn’t give away how much she really doesn’t wanna be here. It’s not that he’s boring or bad company – he’s just not who Jisoo wants herself to be having a romantic candlelit dinner with.

The rest of their night is entirely uneventful for Jisoo and he drives her home. He hints at wanting a second date but she just purses her lips, and tries her hardest for a smile. She doesn’t know if there’ll be one. Judging by how she still lingers in her mind, she thinks he hasn’t really been a good rebound thus far.

She punches in the keycode to their dorm and finds that all the lights are turned off. It was 11:43PM last she saw the time in Jaehyun’s car, so Chaeyoung must already be asleep.

“Where were you?”

The voice stops her from placing her coat on the rack in the hallway.

She was not expecting the owner of this voice to be here. In fact, why is she here? Today was an off day for them, and last she checked said owner of voice doesn’t even live here anymore.

She tries to hide the surprise in her voice and swallows,

“Out.”

There’s a shuffle in the living room and the lamp next to the couch turns on. Then she sees her. She looks a little worn out and tired, Jisoo even thinks she sees a hint of worry in the way her forehead is a little creased. Still beautiful, Jisoo thinks, before she can really stop herself. 

“Out where?”

She’s got her arms crossed now, as though she not only wants an answer, but also an explanation.

“Just out, Jen.” Jisoo sighs.

She’s just come back from a failure of an attempt to move on, and here the (soon to be hopefully if things work out the way Jisoo wants them to, past) object of her affection is, grilling her about the events and details of said failed attempt? She doesn’t need this right now. 

“To get flowers in the middle of the night?” Jennie points at the bouquet of tulips she’s still holding in her right hand. “I highly doubt that.”

She wishes she had just left the damn thing in the elevator.

She chooses to ignore the remark. Jisoo doesn’t miss the disconcerted tone in Jennie’s voice, but she, too, isn’t exactly in the most wonderful mood is she? She just doesn’t have the emotional room for an argument with the very person she’s trying to rid herself emotions of.

She tries to be unaffected by Jennie’s presence despite feeling scrutinising eyes on her and she starts heading towards her room. Jisoo puts her hand on the knob to open the door but suddenly halts when she hears Jennie speak again.

“You used to tell me these things.”

Jisoo feels a pang in her chest, and the guilt swallows her and numbs her senses. She’s disoriented for a moment but the next thing she knows she’s encircled in a warm embrace from behind.

“I’m sorry for interrogating you I just,” Jennie leans into the nape of her neck, warm breath tickling her skin. “I waited for you tonight. And I thought we could spend the night of our break together hanging out. I didn’t think that you’d be out on a—“

“A date?” Jisoo breaks away, pushing Jennie’s arms away from her torso as she faces the younger girl. “Is it so hard to believe I go out on dates Jennie? Is it so foreign for you to not have me at your beck and call whenever you want me to?”

Jisoo’s sudden outburst has Jennie surprised, and Jisoo doesn’t understand what came over her either. Still she can’t stop herself and she doesn’t really want to. If moving on with a rebound won’t work, maybe this will.

“Jisoo, that’s not what I—“

“You don’t get to guilt me for choosing myself this time, Jennie.” Jisoo, still shaken, whispers. “You don’t get to make me feel bad for making you wait when that’s all I’ve done for the last nine years of my life.”

As she says these words out loud, Jisoo’s vision clouds. She turns around and retreats, slamming the door to her room shut before the offending matter in her eyes threatens to fall.


	2. second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisoo dwells on how best to shrug off the events of the previous night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry that this came so late and that its much shorter than i hoped for it to be, i've been hit with a big case of the block (of the writing variety) and could only churn out this much unfortunately. i blame jensoo and their lack of content >:( but nonetheless i hope u enjoy the *ngst

Jisoo awakens feeling shackled.

She’s woken up into consciousness but hasn’t yet fully opened her eyes, or moved any muscle of her body at all.

Her eyelids feel like a ton of bricks, her chest constricted by heavy matter, and her right hand feels like it’s been chained by a warm pair of handcuffs.

She lets her eyelids fall but her brains starts revving. 

She doesn’t feel good by any means, but that’s to be expected. She slept feeling like shit and woke up the same - she should be used to this by now. A good night’s sleep (which she ponders, was last night one?) doesn’t really solve any problems, least of all her problems of the emotional variety.

She thinks back onto what happened the previous night - the date with Jaehyun, the first failed attempt at moving on, and the hostile turn of events upon seeing Jennie when she got back home.

_Jennie._

She supposes they have to talk about last night - her sudden angry outburst and untimely confession must have startled the younger. She never really gets confrontational like that with Jennie. Whether she’s never really felt the need to or she’s just too much of a lovesick martyr, Jisoo’s not sure.

Her thoughts are abruptly silenced by the blaring of her phone alarm, and as she opens her eyes and moves her hand to turn the offending thing off, she realises that the warm handcuffs her right hand is chained to is actually Jennie’s hand.

The younger girl has fallen fast asleep on the floor next to Jisoo’s bed, sitting on Jisoo’s wool rug and lying her head on the edge of the mattress, clutching Jisoo’s hand as tightly as she could muster.

Jisoo jolts up and sits on her bed in surprise at Jennie’s presence and immediately withdraws her hand from the crutches of the sleeping girl.

The action startles Jennie awake and she lifts her head, looking around her disoriented and to her now suddenly empty left hand, barely able to keep her eyes open.

Before she even gets a chance to look at Jisoo, the older moves to shuffle her duvet quickly to the side heading off to her walk-in robe to grab a change of clothes (which Jisoo later, whilst showering, is glad to realise she still had the awareness to do, considering Jennie might still be in her room when she finishes), and then finally to her ensuite, ensuring to lock the door behind her.

She’s got a schedule to get to. Actual commitments that need to be fulfilled.

She’ll deal with the whole other mess she’s left on the other side of the door much, much later she hopes.

Jennie remains sat on the ground, arms leaning on Jisoo’s mattress, as she just looks at the closed oak door of the bathroom across her, stunned at what just occurred in the first 10 seconds of her being awake. 

When Jisoo finishes washing up and preparing to start her day (albeit admittedly, for much longer than she usually takes, in hopes of lulling a certain someone at the other side of the door to leave out of boredom before she comes out), she opens the door and breathes a sigh of relief to see that her room is empty.

She notes that her bed is also made, and that her phone alarm has been turned off. Things happened too quickly for Jisoo to actually shut the damn thing off, but when she had started showering, it was still going and she can only assume Jennie had turned it off before she had gone.

Jisoo is in the van on the way to her Elle magazine photoshoot, distracting herself with a Sudoku app on her phone. When that distraction stops working, she moves on to some random ASMR Youtube videos. It’s been a good hour of the drive to the shoot location before she gives up on deflecting through mundane things trying to pretend what transpired the previous night was just a figment of her imagination.

She needs to get her shit together and her story straight before she has that conversation with Jennie.

Knowing the younger for the better part of almost a decade, Jisoo can almost predict what the younger is going to do. She’s going to give her most of today, and if she’s lucky maybe even a good part of tomorrow, to recuperate and have her space. Then after a period of time she deems acceptable, she’ll make herself ubiquitous to Jisoo and incessantly question her and ask her to explain what she meant by the words she had said, not allowing even a hair from Jisoo’s body out of her sight before she gets her answers.

Jisoo looks out to the quiet empty streets of a Seoul morning, deliberating what she should say. As the van drives through Han river, she involuntarily remembers all the times she had gone to the place with Jennie, from their trainee days up until as recently as about a month ago. She wills her eyes shut to momentarily forget, then resolves: lying her way out of this was the best option. She’ll say she was tired, stressed for the upcoming projects she and the group have, was upset the date was no fun, and that she had drunk a little bit of alcohol that night to explain why she had acted the way she did.

If Jennie (or when, really, cause she knows Jennie _will_ bring it up) asks about what she meant by her “nine years of waiting”, she’ll shrug it off with a defence of not having dated for nine years. It’s true, anyway. Although Jennie doesn’t know much of the reason for that is her.

Done. Problem solved.

Jennie doesn’t _need_ to know about Jisoo’s feelings. She’s trying to move on anyway, so what was the point? Admitting them would just be a step back, and would lead to a whole barrage of other things Jisoo was sure she was not ready to deal with.

Whatever Jennie’s answer would be, it would most definitely change things between them, and between the group. There’s no turning back from an admission of great consequences such as Jisoo’s feelings for her. Jisoo couldn’t bear to know, or even wanted to know, at this point, what ramifications that would bring.

She used to be naive enough to think that if she liked Jennie and Jennie liked her back that would be enough to surpass anything seemingly insurmountable in front of them, bigoted opinions and violent objections be damned. Then, she had gone on to believing as long as Jennie was in her life that was enough. She could love enough for the both of them.

Now, Jisoo was just tired. She was tired of waiting and wondering, hoping and letting herself be lead on (even though she’s sure the leading on was just her delusion, Jennie doesn’t like her like that). She’s exhausted all of herself that moving on wouldn’t even be a manifestation of self-love, only self-preservation.

The van slows down to park, and her manager signals that they’re arrived at the shoot location. 

Jisoo gathers her things and makes a move to get out of the van when she stills out of shock.  
She thought she knew Jennie like the back of her hand, but she could have never predicted this. Because she sees the younger girl, looking as perfect as she usually does, nary a hint of having slept on Jisoo’s bedroom floor, leaning against the other company van they use for schedules with her arms crossed looking intently, directly at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls share ur thoughts if u can i want to know what u guys think! :D

**Author's Note:**

> im terribly sorry for this i just need to let dem jensoo feelingz out in word vomit form.... what is it about them guys.... they r literally the fluffiest otp why does angst suit them so much.. universe explain


End file.
